sex

What Kind of Horny Are You?

Photo: Corbis via Getty Images

It’s possible that many weeks in isolation will have wrought a change on you or those close to you. For some, this might mean introducing an obsessive new hobby, like knitting or juggling. For others, it might take on a more emotional flavor, like inexplicable exhaustion or restlessness.

青青青国产在观免费2018Meanwhile, another swath of people is facing outrageous, untenable — and sometimes unprecedented — levels of horniness. Yes, our desires are changing, often swelling, and it’s unclear why; perhaps it’s due to the boredom brought on by extended isolation. Or maybe social-distancing measures have removed casual hookups from the equation, leaving us craving the thrill of a drunken dalliance. The for these so-called “apocalyptic hornies” are many-faceted, and will probably change as our situation evolves.

青青青国产在观免费2018But horniess, like sadness and joy, has varieties. And as a close observer of horny culture, I’ve taken it upon myself to create a taxonomy of horniess for our particular moment: while under shelter-in-place guidelines. My hope is that, if you get closer to identifying what kind of horny you are, you might be able to (safely) act on it. Please enjoy, the seven types of horny:

Melancholy horny

Ah, this might be the most familiar kind of horny on our list. Melancholy horny people are horny, but also scared because we’re living through a pandemic, and everything is surreal and horrifying. It’s like an emotional sunburn: It’s uncomfortable — painful, even — and must be taken care of if you ever want it to turn into a tan. What’s more, the melancholy hornies are not carefree enough to break social-distancing guidelines in order to have sex, so at times they might feel there is no end to their exhausting, horny hell. They might find relief in having long, emotionally satisfying conversations with potential, post-pandemic partners, or watching Stanley Tucci make negronis. Also melancholy horny: the exes in your DMs青青青国产在观免费2018 right now.

Performative horny

This kind of horny lives mostly on social media, chiefly on Twitter (where it’s always à la mode to talk about dick), but has become some people’s whole thing in this period of social distancing. Performative horniness is made up mostly of clever tweets about missing sex, the outrageous things they would do for sex, and regrets about not having sexed harder the very last time they had sex. It’s unclear if the performative hornies are really horny, or just good at Twitter.

Frisky horny

The frisky horny person is simply looking for some light gratification. Their behavior is borne less from a thirst for sex, and more for a desire to have some titillating social interaction. In real life, in lieu of making out at the party, the frisky hornies might find satisfaction in sending a few nudes, or engaging in some flirty banter.

Curious horny

This person is using their time in isolation to explore and expand their sexual side. For some, this might mean taking the time to watch porn, or trying new positions with their partner. For others, it might mean buying a butt plug. The curious horny are looking for new experiences or sensations that they may not have had the time — or spirit of inquiry — to look into before now.

Goal-oriented horny

The goal-oriented horny person knows what they want, and how to get it. If they’re interested in having an orgasm, they’ll simply masturbate, or, if they’re looking for something more human, might turn to phone sex. This person might also begin to virtually date someone in the hopes that when this over, they’ll be fully equipped to have sex immediately.

3 p.m. horny

Otherwise known as mid-afternoon horny, this kind of horny is borne from a variety of things: You’ve had too much caffeine, you’re going a bit stir-crazy, and you’re both wired and somehow horribly exhausted. Then, your body channels all of that strange, errant energy into your sex organs. I have no scienctific proof here, but if you randomly want to have sex at 3 p.m., this is my theory as to why.

Dumbass horny

The people breaking social-distancing guidelines, risking their lives and others’, in order to get laid.

What Kind of Horny Are You?